if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
