So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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