i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
