I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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