i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
They are going to name an STD after you.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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