im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
