i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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