So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
