loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
