I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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