I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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