So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
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Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
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I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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