Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
