I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
never play flip cup with pint glasses
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
