Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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