i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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