I just made out with a guy for $7.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
