You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
