Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
