So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
