I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
