dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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