Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
