she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
