awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
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