Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
