Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
