Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
