guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
