It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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