Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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