I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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