It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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