I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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