I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
pop tarts are not kleenex
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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