She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.