There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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