Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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