Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
