he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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