Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you had me at cake vodka
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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