I wanna bring you to show and tell
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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