I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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