the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
