I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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