dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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