I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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