This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
