the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
