Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
