I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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