did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
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Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
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I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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