kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I got inside last night via doggy door
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
