I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
