This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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