I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
