I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
