Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
