I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
